Barbie (2023)

"A serial killer, dressed up as Pikachu"

The trouble with writing a review for this film is that I would normally just try and look at the thing as a form of entertainment. Movies based on toys are, however, rarely so divisive and inciteful as what we're presented with here. Well done Warner Brothers marketing department, you have pulled off a genuine coup.

Hang your heads in shame, all penis-owners involved in this (aside from those kept in a pickle jar by men-haters worldwide) as you have just used up your final get-out-of-jail-free card. On this.

"Mattel's Board of Directors is 6 men and 5 women." Somehow both good guys and bad guys, but still all guys, seemingly, according to Gerwig.

If Eve had been created before Adam and her name was Greta and not Eve, can you really imagine the world we would be living in today? Ms Gerwig is a formidable talent. We're only now beginning to understand just how formidable she truly is. And not in a good way, it seems. This is the reason we can't have nice things.

Now whilst I would love to extol my opinions on the reasons why this is such an abomination, I also know that the middle-aged women and their eight-year-old daughters will be frothing at the bit to go and see this, regardless of what one (soon to be mislabelled as misogynistic, most likely) middle-aged man thinks about it. And if I had the slightest inkling that my opinion would hold any kind of sway, I wouldn't change a thing. I don't care. I didn't pay for my ticket. It's your money, you can spend it how you like, but you should really know the horror show you're going to the trouble of dressing up in pink for.

As far as ramifications for the brand is concerned, this is a potentially poisonous portent. A weighty political message, delivered expressly for the purposes of dividing men from women, undermining basic cultural values, in order for women (and young girls watching) to wake up to the patriarchy. Are these the lessons we should be seeing, a message even more insidious than it was already, just dressed up in high heels and a nice frock?

I wonder what the Chinese will make of this? I see a bomb approaching. No box office records being made there, I imagine. Hollywood appears to be going to hell in a handcart, clutching a toy, still in its original packaging, because playing with it would decrease its value. Fun, it seems yet again, is less important than profit. Lovely design, but really, I thought Oppenheimer was supposed to be the destroyer of worlds.