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  • Writer's pictureSteve

Marry Me (2022)

What better way to spend a grey, overcast Saturday afternoon than having your senses sozzled by pointless celebrity drivel that genuinely believes it's meta enough to demonstrate and yet still disassociate itself from the subject matter.

I bet Lopez got confused which bits were real and which bits were for the movie. I mean, don't these people all live in some glitzy fantasy already? Is either of them actually more real than the other? Does it really matter? Do we care more for the visuals, than we hope for their downfall? Personally, probably not.

Well this marketing exercise dressed up as the thief of romance isn't apologising for being in your face and free of any guilt that it really should stand up and be counted for. Think of all of those grooms to be down on one knee as the theme tune for this film plays in the background. How cheap do you hope to get, whilst knowing that it's cheap?

Even for Hollywood fantasy land, this is stupidly ridiculous and as much as one marketing dream dies, another sidles into view and you're as much left with the bile in the back of your throat as you had been building up already, despite the film's best efforts to live up to the likes of Notting Hill which is almost as nonsense a notion as the main plot here.

"Embrace the spontaneity of the moment."

This is an actual line coming from Lopez' character, to explain the ludicrous decision to marry a complete stranger on the night she was due to marry someone else, but then found out he was cheating on her.

This is supposed to rationalize her behaviour, but clearly it just amplifies just how unhinged this woman is, no doubt from spending all too much time in the rainbow unicorn world to begin with, and therefore the reason for the normal single father of one, who loves teaching Mathematics, to give this same woman a berth at least wide enough to get her bottom through. Wilson is not Hugh Grant and Lopez is so far removed from Julia Robert's performance in the aforementioned Notting Hill, as to be barely recognisable as the same profession.

Most of the supporting cast here spend the majority of their time on screen shaking their head in disbelief, so why didn't the writers and stars of this bull in a china shop?

I was hoping that the writing may save this huge dose of diarrhoea or that the moments of pause in-between the chaos might give some time for hindsight, but ultimately this is nothing more than a long advert for the soundtrack, which admittedly, is quite catchy. This doesn't stop the existence of this being anything less than criminal, however.

Wilson walks through this with only one eye open it would seem, reacting only when prodded with Lopez' stick and Lopez never convinces us that she is anything other than I imagined - in need of a good dose of reality which she tries to convince us of here, failing spectacularly in the process.

As a film, this is complete rubbish. I rarely feel so strongly as to say I hated anything committed to film, but this is as close as anything I have come across in quite some time. Half a star for the music, but no more as it is roundly and transparently awful.


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