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Terrifier (2016)

Right, I'll be honest, I have no idea how we got here. Just so we're clear, we're not staying. I would like to call myself an at least half-arsed horror movie fan, but clearly looking at some of my peers movie diaries, I am still practically a virgin in this department.

Hence, this effort, recommended to me by someone who asked me to list my favourite horror movies and then laughed manically at my carefully thought-out response. "Get a copy of 'Terrifier' and come back to me."

Well, I thought all that Blair Witching, Human Centipeding, Martyrdom was all the genre had to offer these days, but I have been forced to think again. 'Terrifier' is indeed a unique experience that often left me lost for words. Not an issue I come across all too often, as you know.

This is akin to spending all of your internet lifetime blissfully ignorant in AOL's walled garden and then being let loose on the Dark Web for a couple of hours.

The blood and guts waste-of-time-athon presented here is not unique. Nor is it original. Or very good. Or acted well.

Subtle as trying to cut your toenails with a lump hammer this is just plain wrong.

It's not even in any way shocking enough to really classify as noteworthy. (with the exception of the woman hung upside down, spread-eagled and then sawn in half from lady parts to lipstick. Now that's inventive and unusual) Dress up my Granny in a clown outfit, however, and she'd scare you too if she was wielding a set of steak knives and had you to tied to a chair.

Now I'm not entirely sure what kind of audience this is aimed at. Teenage boys probably, given the amount of pretty girls, breasts and tight dresses on display, but the amount of bloodletting is noticeable as many of my reviews have contained the sentence, 'not gory enough for those that like this type of thing'. Well not so here, there is more than enough to keep fans of this genre satiated, I imagine.

I'm just not one of them. Horrible, horrible, b-movie horrible.


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