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  • Writer's pictureSteve

The Round Up #11 (Jan 23)

Hello everyone (yes, including you lurking at the back, I know you're here, I see your IP) and welcome to the round up for January. Films have taken a bit of a back seat in the past couple of weeks as a slew of new streaming offerings have taken centre stage. At last though, we're out of January and a month of being skint after overspending at Christmas gives way to the annual nightmare for my postman that is Valentines Day. Hope you all had at least as much fun as I did. Song of the Month was this little earworm that somehow got stuck on repeat for most of the month. Happy valentines to all, and I'll speak to you at end of Feb. <3 xx

Bed Rest (2022) - Nice premise but largely unremarkable supernatural horror from some of those responsible for the upcoming Scream VI. If you're rolling your eyes at this point, then I feel your pain. Not a marker for quality, I would agree, but this is not as bad as it promised to be. Once the new family, new house, needs work setup is complete, we come to the meat of the title, how it comes to be and what happens when it does. The creeps are regular even if the actual scares are rare. Stick around for the third act though, as it makes the first two bearable.

Puss In Boots - The Last Wish (2022) - Okay okay, the least favourite returning character from the Shrek Franchise is now wearing a bit thin and this latest outing for Puss in Boots does not really break any new ground, in pursuit of the Last Wish now that he's used nearly all of his own nine lives. The writing isn't as good, the jokes aren't as funny and the visuals are the very best thing about it. It does look stunning. In all, another pretty romp. Parents should take matchsticks for their eyes, however. *yawn*

The Pale Blue Eye (2022) - Having written an extensive review about this, my PC then closed down for no apparent reason in the middle of it and of course, the work was lost. Suffice to say, I am not going to try and re-create this (shame it was pretty good too, even if I say so myself) and go so far as to say this is is definitely a Netflix project, you can smell the money thrown at it, and if anything, this overshadows the authenticity as it just looks too polished for what is really is, a murder mystery whodunnit.

Great performances from all and Melling, who plays Edgar Allan Poe, nearly steals the show from Christian Bale. In short, however, this is too much dressing and not enough meat.

My Massive Cock (2022) - Yes. Really. Something I can finally relate to. In the 'awful lot smaller than' kinda way, really. A documentary from Channel 4, concentrating on a group of individual men who have the issue of having much higher than average sized penises.

To be honest, I thought this was a joke when this came across my desk (snort). So much so that I laughed out loud and knew I had to see it. And surprisingly, this turned out to be alot more informative and whilst still finding it difficult to feel sorry for these poor men with massive schlongs, it did raise some interesting points (sic) about body dysmorphia.

The Minute You Wake Up Dead (2022) - Better than expected though anticipation was not high to begin with. Morgan Freeman slums it for the cheque really if we're honest in this backwater murder thriller, playing second fiddle mostly to our leads Cole Hauser and Jaimie Alexander. Nice cinematography, decent performances and adequate plot twists make this engaging throughout, but calling it great would be over egging the pudding.

The Offering (2022) - Man of many faces Paul Kaye turns up here as an orthodox Jew. Who knew? The Offering is about as cliched and predictable as you can get really, in a "please don't let the demon take my baby," kind of way. The jump scares are good enough and not lathered as to make you bored by them and the representation of the demon in question is about as close to what you would expect to find when confronted by one in your local funeral parlour. Simple story, decent acting and average pacing make this worth a watch, but the initiated will not find much new here to get excited by.

Four Flies On Grey Velvet (1971) - Michael Brandon is star of the show and looking at this more than fifty years late, it is indicative of his similar efforts produced at the same time, in his Animal Trilogy. It is barefaced giallo with all of its tension, menace, overarching malevolence and ominous, brooding undercurrents, even dubbing Brandon into Italian, albeit not too convincingly. Not really my cup of tea, but one for completionists and fans of Argento's early work.

Proximity (2020) - I'm sorry, really I am, but I simply cannot muster up enough enthusiasm to write anything more about this. Just thinking about it makes me want to lie down and have a little nap. It's not even that it's very, very bad, but Christ on a bike it's boring. It's like a race with your mates who can grow teeth the fastest. I know recently painted walls with more about them. If I had stayed awake throughout I would have probably have chewed off my own fingers just for something to do.


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