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  • Writer's pictureSteve

Transformers: Rise of the Beasts (2023)

I've never been a fan of bangs and whistles over substance, the epitome of what I understood Transformers to be. Now this is not going to change that feeling in the least, but having basically cognitively switched off since Megan Fox bent over that engine, I have missed this franchise like a second anus.

Still I thought, if I can give Fast X an airing despite not knowing or caring about anything to do with it, it would be unfair not to do the same with this expected waster of time. Plus, my options were limited.

In the first five minutes, the robot monkeys were prattling on about a trans warp key and within that same five minutes, I stopped caring.

"Remember to laugh at their jokes, white people love that shit."

So with diversity quotas fully established early on, even in a movie consisting almost entirely of cgi, we're introduced to the next group of thinly drawn characters that most resemble cheerleading padding for children's imaginations everywhere.

Human interaction here is the same as always; convenient. Wrong place, wrong time is as essential as it is for every Transformers story. Regardless of who is directing it, this is still a Transformers movie, so really, handicapped before it even starts in the eyes of most.

Entirely unpredictable, with stock, colour-by-numbers performances and some often, though not always brilliant cgi, to make the kids and the dorks dribble, the same as every other one. It still beggars belief that this cinematic franchise managed to get beyond its first outing and the only thing that has really changed is the amount of cleavage on display.


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