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  • Writer's pictureSteve

Underworld: Awakening (2012)

Tonight, we are counting on your help. Somewhere, right now, an actress is suffering. A rare but terrible affliction will envelop her career completely and she will be squeezed into latex, spandex and lycra, forced against her will to carry out unimaginable feats of athleticism and acrobatics that really shouldn't be possible in a modern, civilised world the rest of us take for granted.

This is Kate, and she has Millajovitis. It's a little known condition but the side effects are devastating. She is caught in an unending struggle to escape her tormented existence. A grunting, sweaty, fan-boy prison sentence of a life where the only thing she can do is work on projects that she doesn't respect, but make vast sums of profits for her paymasters. She is a slave, sliding about in slutty make up with additional slow-motion breast heaving.

Tonight, we are asking you to donate just a little bit of goodwill to projects that will enable Kate to escape the clutches of those that mean to exploit her. Will you go and watch a decent film? Could you do that for Kate? We're waiting for you at the box office now. Buy a ticket to a proper film instead, and make Kate smile again.

Thankyou for listening...

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